Three things your mama taught you that still apply on Tinder…
No hitting, no biting, no name-calling! It wasn’t that long ago that our mothers tried to mould us to be upstanding, non-assholic adults. Yet for some reason even the most basic lessons we learned as children fly out the window when it comes to online dating. So here’s a quick refresher course of motherly wisdom to help you make your mama proud again.
#1 If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!
The social art of ghosting has developed a bit of a bad rap in the world of dating apps, but is it really as bad as everyone is making it out to be? Personally, I believe that after one date or even two dates no one is really entitled to an explanation as to why someone doesn’t want to see them again. I mean, it’s a first date! It’s not a relationship – there were no guarantees or promises made. And, let’s be honest, after one date the reasons for not following-up with a second date are likely superficial. If we all expected our one-time Tinder dates to tell us why they didn’t want to see us again, we’d all have developed deep psychological insecurities at this point.
For me, my top reasons for not wanting to see someone again are:
- He smells bad (Tip: if you smoke or don’t wear cologne or floss your teeth, you probably smell bad and don’t realize it).
- He bores me.
- He creeps me out.
- He (ironically) sucks at communication.
The thing is, just because someone smells like shit to me, or bores the hell out of me, it doesn’t mean that another woman won’t find him charming and yummy. So, what right do I have to tell someone, whom I barely know and don’t want to see again, that they need to change their hygiene habits or get better hobbies just for little ol’ me? The only thing they really need is a better match.
Of course, ghosting happens to me too. Sometimes the ghosting is mutual, other times a guy ghosts me even though I actually wanted to see him again. But I like to think I do the totally normal and healthy thing when that happens – I don’t dwell on it, I just assume he’s a fucking moron and then go and get ready for my next date.
After a first date, ghosting isn’t ghosting, it’s merely not making plans to see a person you only met one time.
#2 Honesty is the best policy!
OK, so you’re one of those people who likes to fib on your dating profile, or rather omit certain details about yourself, or simply “forget” to update your photos in the last eight years. Sure, a little white lie never hurt anyone, but in the world of Tinder, surely even users of below average intelligence can see that pretending to be something you’re not is not likely to lead to any manner of happy ending.
Lying about your height or your age, for example – may seem like trivial and superficial things, but those superficial things matter to a significant number of people. You’re right, a woman who only wants to date a tall man, is not likely to swipe right on you if you’re a lil shorty, but do you really believe that pretending to be six feet tall just to secure the date “and the opportunity to win her over” is really going to work out? Haha, no.
You see, lying to get a date, doesn’t just make you short, or old, or not a doctor, it makes you a liar. And liars might as well be cheaters – and nobody likes that. Likely, once your match realizes your deception, which in the case of shortness will occur in the first split second of meeting you, your date will be over before it even began. Lying (or “mild-catfishing,” if you will) to get a date is just wasting everyone’s time. Hold out for matches who actually want to meet you just the way your mama made you.
Tip: avoid these common Tinder bluffs:
- Photos – not just when it comes to your appearance, but also your lifestyle. Example, all photos depict you doing an activity (like skiing or travelling) that you do not actually do to the degree you want your PTM (Potential Tinder Matches) to believe.
- Age – it’s happened more than once that I thought I was meeting a dark haired 35 year-old only to encounter a snowy dad with kids my age.
- Occupation and/or Finances – don’t be disappointed if you attract (and then let down) a gold-digger with that “fake it till you make it” philosophy.
- Height – just no.
#3 You attract more flies with honey!
Since declaring myself a non-certified Tinder coach, I’m often ask what I consider to be the biggest no-no in user profiles. Hands down, it’s the guys who are using the dating platform as an arena to voice their displeasure with all women in general. It seems like every other profile these days is of a guy listing off all the things about women that he doesn’t like – ranging from personality traits to how they wear their make-up or how thin their eyebrows are. But remember when your mother told you that no one likes a whiner? Well no one likes to read about all the types of people you hate when looking for a date.
I remember one time I read in some poor lonely soul’s profile that he wasn’t interested in any woman who didn’t have a least a D-cup. The thing is, no woman is turned on by that, and the desired reaction of, “Oh, thank god I’m a D-cup and he will go on a date with me!” will more likely be, “Eww, superficial creep with mommy issues!”
But here’s the thing, you are allowed to have preferences. You are allowed to think penciled-on eyebrows and B-cup tits are the worst things in the world, but you don’t have to actually say it. You have eyes, don’t you? You can tell from the photos who’s flat and who has freakish eyebrows, so there is no need to paint yourself as a superficial asshole unnecessarily. I mean, you probably have a lot of other great qualities, right? Just swipe left.
But while we’re on the subject of being an asshole unnecessarily. It’s no secret that some men turn quite hostile on dating apps when they sense (or imagine) rejection. Again, I find it really strange that users are giving so much power to matches they either never met or only met once. I mean, how sad is your life that your entire future happiness was resting on the approval of some random “Tinderella?”
I have two examples from my experiences on Munich Tinder that I really love:
#1 Recently, an attractive German guy matched with me. His very first message to me was some convoluted explanation about how he doesn’t like to text and only likes to send voice recordings over Whatsapp because it’s “more personal,” and he included his number. I found this to be quite odd and somehow suspicious, plus I don’t like to just give my number to a guy unless I actually am planning to meet him. And since this was our first message, I hadn’t made that decision yet. So, I simply wrote back that I would prefer that he just texts me for the time being. His next message he wrote to me was in German, and informed me that I was an ignorant foreigner who can’t speak German and not worth his time. Zero to sixty – in the first message I looked beautiful, in the second message I’m a stupid immigrant. And all because I didn’t add him to Whatsapp the very second he asked me to. [For the record, I can speak German.]
#2 I went on a date with an Italian “model” who was unemployed and had moved to Munich to look for work. I actually had really low expectations of the date, thinking he would be superficial and boring, but I was really impressed with how nice he actually was. He was even deeply disturbed that the managers at the Italian restaurant we were at were being cruel to the non-Italian staff (in Italian). It seemed like it had been ages since I had met someone that nice. After the date, he was messaging me almost daily, excited about job interviews and his future in Munich, but then the communication died out and I basically stopped caring. A month or so later he resurfaced and this time he was looking for “love,” so he invited me over because his geriatric roommate wasn’t home. I declined because generally when a guy stops talking to me, I am no longer interested let alone turned on. His response to this “rejection” was to call me fat. I just laughed at him and asked him why he was just trying to have sex with a “fat girl” if this was an issue for him. He had nothing to say to that. Guess he wasn’t so nice after all.
You see, your mother was right, trashing other people never makes the other person look bad or probably even feel bad, it just makes you look bad. I mean, in the case of these two guys and the guys just like them, I just assume their lives suck and their Tinder stack must be pretty short to put so much emphasis on what I think of them or want (or don’t want) from them. Rejection shouldn’t be this enraging when it comes from people you don’t know and who don’t know you.
Be nice and keep your dignity.