Intelligent people can’t get Chlamydia and other science…

Posted On December 9, 2018

Munich, Germany  Maybe it’s me, but since I moved to Munich (a city with the reputation of being the loneliest one in Germany) second dates seem to be a rare and miraculous occurrence.  And since these events are such a rarity, when they go wrong it really stings. Sadly, I have had more than a few second dates in this town that were pretty damn shocking, but none so shocking as my most recent second date with the man I am now referring to as the Biohazard of Bavaria.

He seemed like such a nice guy on our first date, although maybe a bit too eager. He was already inviting me on sailing trips and mountain getaways with him as far into the future as the summer, and after our first date he didn’t just book a second one, he booked a second and a third. I thought it was sweet that he wasn’t afraid to show that he was interested, though, and I was interested enough after the first date to proceed to the next two he had proposed. However, such horrible things were revealed on the night of the second date that in the interest of public health and safety, I must report it here.

Our second date was going fine. Christmas markets are always a romantic atmosphere for a date – and he even brought me a chocolate Santa as a gift. How thoughtful and considerate! However, after moving the date to one of the typical beer halls in the center of Munich, the conversation got a little too real.

Don’t ask me how the topic of conversation switched to condoms, as I had three feuerzangenbowle before that happened, but it did. The Biohazard proclaimed loudly for all to hear that he doesn’t ever use condoms because it’s not fun for him. I had told him that I thought that was both a dumb and risky move since sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies aren’t very much fun either. That was when the Biohazard of Bavaria gave me a science lesson I’ll never forget.

Have you heard of the G-Factor? Well, in a nutshell the G-Factor represents the belief that a truly intelligent person has the mental capacity to be intelligent in all areas, and if they cannot master all areas of intelligence, then they aren’t truly intelligent. Biohazard has decided that he is one of these truly intelligent people and as such all of his decisions and actions are also intelligent (really, he said this!). While I do agree somewhat that intelligence can’t really be taught, I also understand that other factors influence the decision making and behaviour of both intelligent and unintelligent people alike. Especially in the realm of dating and relationships, self-esteem and perceived inferiority (or superiority) will have a serious impact on the actions taken by the individuals involved. Certain highly intelligent men and women, who may be suffering from various insecurities, could be prone to desperate and debasing actions to try and land a partner, for example.

Anyway, as I said, Biohazard has identified that he has the true G-Factor and, therefore, every one of his decisions is the correct and intelligent decision. As I discovered, he believes that his super intellect has gifted him with the superhuman ability to identify which people have STDs just by looking at them. WRONG!

(PSA) Many people experience no signs or symptoms of STDs and only discover they have contracted something by getting tested. No, sorry, burning pee is not always the tip-off.

I informed Biohazard about this but apparently his ability to judge people is more trustworthy than all the medical reports on the subject (really, he said this!). After all, he informed me that he “stopped counting” after sleeping with 80 women – all of which he contaminated without a condom. The fact that he is currently clean (so he says) is proof of his superior intellect and ability to accurately judge others.

Naturally, I told him it was purely luck that he had managed to go this long without contracting something and that intelligence definitely had nothing to do with it (since clearly he was only making stupid decisions), and what he was doing was unnecessarily risky. He responded with typical male idiocy that makes me cringe every time one of them resorts to it to get his way.

“Oh,” he said, “Well, if you don’t like taking risks, you should never leave the house because there is a chance you could get hit by a car every time you do.” I really HATE when basic bastards say this kind of thing to me to prove whatever stupid point they are trying to make, especially since my entire life has been one huge risk – you don’t end up living in six countries, or moving to a new continent with no job and no contacts because you like making safe bets. However, when it comes to avoiding pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections that range from moderately annoying to completely lethal, not taking the very easy measures to avoid this seems, well, moronic. Just like getting hit by a car. It is very easy to simply look from side-to- side before stepping into that street as a split second precaution to minimize the risk of death by on-coming vehicle.  I mentioned this to the Biohazard, but he seems to be under the impression that most people don’t actually look before crossing the street (really, he said this!). Umm no.

So, not only did the Biohazard of Bavaria believe that only frightened and conservative people take care not to get hit by cars when crossing a street, they are also the only people who “stupidly” practice safe-sex in the age of dating apps. If that’s true, then that’s terrifying. But, of course, there is nothing more terrifying than a stupid person who thinks he’s the next Stephen Hawking. Perhaps the most horrifying thing that Biohazard said to me before our second and final date ended was that he simply didn’t care about HIV/AIDS because “It’s not a problem anymore and you can live a full life with HIV now.” And that, my dear readers, is the kind of thinking that will wipe out humanity in the not-so-distant future.

(PSA) Living a “full life” with HIV/AIDS and its truckload of medications (and costs) is not something to strive for. It is a blessing for those living with HIV/AIDS and should not be used as the justification to make potentially harmful sexual decisions.

Since I could see that I wasn’t getting anywhere with the Biohazard and his G-Factor intellect when it came to sexually transmitted infections, I decided to switch over to the topic that normally scares most men – pregnancy. Surely, he should at least care that he doesn’t impregnate a causal hook-up or ONS, right? Apparently, not. “At my age (35), I don’t actually care if I get a woman pregnant.”

“Well it doesn’t really affect your life, does it?” I replied.

“It does. In Germany there are laws that say a man has to take care of his child.” said the G-Factor.  

“There are laws in most places that say that, however, before that can happen a woman must be pregnant for nine months, ruin her body, possibly derail her career and kill her social life, give birth to your child, not die in the process of giving birth to your child, prove the child is yours, then come after you to take responsibility, which may involve legal action and the costs associated with that.” said the cautious street-crosser.

“Well, she could also get an abortion.” said the HazMat.

“Not sure if you’re aware of this, but abortions aren’t exactly fun for women, and in fact, could be traumatizing. Your condom may not be fun, but pretty sure it won’t be traumatizing you and ruining your life.”

No matter what I said to him on the subject of STDs and unwanted pregnancy, I just wasn’t able to convince his superior mental capacity of any of the above points that I was making. Please take a minute to let it sink in that one of those points was simply that you can’t tell just from looking at someone that they have an STD.

However, in fairness, I did seem to strike one chord with him if only for a brief moment.  Biohazard informed me that “most women” don’t care about condoms and only care about having fun – and condoms aren’t fun.

(PSA) Wrapped and unwrapped penises pretty much feel the same to women.

He also said that it’s 100% a woman’s responsibility to inform him that he should use a condom if she really wants him to. Although it is not a good thing, many people (not just women), feel that they don’t always have a voice in a sexual environment. Again, this can have a lot to do with self-esteem, and though I agree that all people SHOULD speak up, the reality is that not all of them will.  And trust me, if a woman wanted you to use a condom and you didn’t, chances are she’s stressing about it silently, and not actually having very much fun. So when it comes to casual encounters, condoms can actually equate to more fun from the female perspective (and probably also from the male perspective assuming he’s not a completely selfish and oblivious fucktard). But, anyway, he seemed at least momentarily concerned that a large portion of those 80 slays may have actually been uncomfortable with his behaviour.

At the end of the conversation, the Biohazard of Bavaria took the gentlemanly approach and wanted to assure me that if I had a problem with unprotected sex then he would definitely wear a condom to make me more comfortable. Nein, danke! Tragically, the Biohazard wouldn’t be receiving an invitation to my bachelorette pad that night (or ever!). It was the second date, after all, anything was possible 😘

Even though the Biohazard really did seem like a nice, “intelligent,” sweet guy, I just wouldn’t be able to respect myself now that he revealed just how dumb he truly is – G-Factor and all.  Plus, I forgot to mention that he informed me that he cheated on his ex-gf because he was unhappy but didn’t want to be alone, so… at the end of the day he’s just a selfish idiot who cares more about his own fun than the consequences his poor, selfish choices will have on others and their lives. Tinder should really consider allowing users to be reported for Biohazard-like reasons. Luckily, there’s a good chance that this particular Biohazard will one day soon step out into a busy road and get hit by a truck because, as you know, only losers look both ways before crossing the street.

P.S. Ironically, for our third date, Biohazard had suggested we go and see Bohemian Rhapsody at one of the English cinemas in Munich. Guess he just wanted to watch a film that made him feel superior about his intellectual ability to prevent himself from both contracting and then dying of AIDS. 🙅